to YOU

i know somehow all this will get to you or you will eventually read it by yourself.. if you think i am childish just because SOME SONS-OF-B****ES from Penang Free says so, then you dont know me at all.. i do not know how my behaviour seems to people around me but i believe i'm not childish.. to find out that you believe what those guys from your church who used to be my schoolmates say about me is just unbelieveable.. i've tried many times to enlighten you about them but you refuse to see them as i do.. you have not seen them and how they talk about girls, about YOU but yet you sound so certain when you denied all my accusations.. those people have never liked me and i didnt know that untill it was too late.. they pretended to be my friends but actually wanted to screw me up.. if YOU think they are such good people, then i'm disappointed at myself for not being able to show you the truth..

if you have heard the things they have said about girls and about you before then you wouldnt be so sure anymore would you? but you have told me before that its normal for guys to be like that when i told you about a certain S.O.B awhile ago.. if that is normal behaviour for a guy, then i dont know what planet you live on.. if guys like that are normal to you then what am i to you? i'm curious..

and if being nice is such a bad thing, then its no wonder the guys YOU know are all messed up.. i have never heard of someone being too nice.. perhaps only in a story book.. i dont hate you for the failure of my pursuit.. but what i dont like is the way you dealt with me.. you might not talk to me ever again after seeing this.. if after reading this, you do not want to talk to me, you do not wanna be friends with me, then i'm lost for words.. i'm sorry if i ever TROUBLED you because those people teased you.. but keep in mind that they teased me too and if you think i wanted them to tease the both of us, YOU ARE WRONG..

i lost faith in a thing everyone seek called love before.. but seeing you made me wanna believe in it again.. i thought i found it in you but it never came.. now i ask myself what is love? if you ask me now i would say love is pain and suffering.. or i would perhaps just tell you love is fictional.. it might not exist.. why is it that people seek for it when most do not know the meaning of it? everyone has their own opinion to what love truly is.. but has it ever been proven that this thing called love is real? whatever it is, for those of you who have found or thought you've found love, then i'm happy for you all.. because its the one thing i have doubts of more and more everyday..

i might not look good at all but i am who i am.. it has always been hard for me to open up to someone but i did with you.. and i also used to trust many people but after recent events including this one, my circle of trust got smaller.. and opening up to someone else wont be that easy anymore.. what happened with you made me fear the worst.. now i fear of being hurt again.. i guess i just dont have to go looking for that thing called love to not get hurt..

i'm just going to stop here.. i cant take it anymore.. i cant say more of these things because it will just remind me of how deep i went..

i loved you and now i doubt love's existence..
things will never be the same..
how i regret it all..

ivan..